Ever since I announced this pregnancy (and people started believing me...) the first question out of every single person's mouth is, "How did this happen??" (Most everyone knows I had this surgery done since I bragged about it so much.) Without even having to discuss it, Shane and I both started giving the "when a man and woman have certain feelings for each other..." speech (this is why I love that man). People were quick to silence our birds and the bees speech, but still wanted to know HOW?! So now I will tell you what happened when we found out back in February.
February 2nd-ish: I realized I was late. I'm never late. Like down to the minute on time. I didn't start freaking out yet because I was confident in the surgery I had and figured I was just extra stressed from recently having another baby with my 15 month old son still a baby in my eyes. So I put it out of my mind...or at least, in the back. :)
February 8th: realize I'm REALLY late. I know I need to take a test. The doctor who did the surgery (not my usual midwife I have seen for my last two pregnancies) had warned me that there is a slight risk of an ectopic pregnancy IF I did get pregnant. She said that if that ever happened I would need to come in right away and get tested for that so that I wouldn't be in danger if it was an ectopic pregnancy. I knew I needed to take a test soon before anything bad could happen to me.
February 9th at about 6:00 am: Took the test. It was positive (obviously). Shane wasn't surprised. He said, "Well, you ARE glowing."
I smacked him. (semi-gently)
I was kind of surprised. I knew something wasn't right, but I was hoping for something besides a pregnancy. I waited until my doctor's office opened, then called and spoke with a nurse. The conversation went like this:
Me: Um, I had a positive pregnancy test this morning.
Nurse (happy): Ok, well what was the first day of your last period?
Me: I have no idea whatsoever.
Nurse (confused): You didn't keep track?
Me: Well, no, I didn't think I needed to. See, I had Essure done almost a year ago.
Nurse (very serious now): How soon can you come in?
Yup-they made a special appointment for me. That scared me knowing just how serious this must be. I got the kids dressed and took them to my sister's house (who was more than willing to babysit when I explained the situation...haha). An hour after I called I was at the office. My midwife, Kathy, came in the room and looked about as shocked as I felt. I told her it's okay if it's ectopic and I was expecting that. She explained that those are very serious and I would need surgery a.s.a.p. to remove the tube. I told her I would rather lose a tube than gain another baby (harsh, but true). She understood. I love that woman. She said that we would do an ultrasound and when we don't see anything in my uterus, then we will be pretty sure it's ectopic. I prepared myself mentally to hear all the details of surgery. That's when I heard Kathy say, "Um. Loretta? I see something here."
Crap.
We both looked at the ultrasound machine. She saw a sac. Not the yolk sac, though, which is what feeds the baby for the first little while. She said that sometimes the whatever sac makes it to the uterus, but the egg is stuck in the tubes-still requiring surgery. This was my ray of hope. She zoomed in as far as possible and said that she thought she saw a little somethin' somethin' in the sac (meaning she saw the yolk sac), but that I really wasn't far enough along to see the yolk sac anyway, even in a normal pregnancy. Great. A big, fat maybe. Then she said that she was leaving for Maui on Saturday and would be gone for 8 days. She was freaking out, though. She didn't want to leave me not knowing (especially if I needed surgery...I would need it sooner than she would get back). So, she had me go get my blood taken. They were going to measure my HCG levels. I would need to go back on Thursday (48 hours later) to get my blood taken again to see if the levels had risen or stayed the same (or fallen). She said if they doubled, most likely that meant a healthy, growing baby. If not, then I would need to see another doctor while she was away to schedule the tube removal surgery. She told me that she would make absolutely sure to call me herself before she left for Maui with the results.
That was the longest 48 hours of my entire life. I went back on Thursday and they took my blood again. I explained my situation to the nurse/whatever-they-are-called who stuck the needle in my arm. Upon hearing the word "Essure," she told me that the test results would be in first thing tomorrow morning and to call the minute they opened at 8:00 (or 9:00? I can't remember).
Another excruciatingly long 24 hours. I think I knew, somewhere deep inside (probably right around my middle) that this was a healthy baby. I was in serious denial. I actually started feeling nauseous the day after my appointment, but I was sure it was a mind thing.
Well, Friday morning finally came. I called the lab. The lady (different from the day before) told me the number that my HCG level was at. It meant nothing to me since I didn't know where I had started. I asked her if that meant that my levels had doubled. She laughed and said, "Oh, honey, they tripled!" Then gave me the starting number. She told me "congratulations" all happy and then hung up.
The word "shock" doesn't even cover it.
Kathy (midwife) called me later in the day to see if I had gotten a call yet from the lab about my levels. I told her I knew the levels had gone up....a lot. She asked me over and over if I was okay and that it's okay to cry. Again, I seriously love that woman. She said that she wanted to see my the minute she got back from paradise. She told me what time her flight got in on Monday morning (the 22nd) and said that she would head straight from the airport to the clinic and she wanted me to meet her there to do another ultrasound.
The next week I felt sick every. single. day. I didn't know if morning sickness had set in early or if it was all in my head. I was pretty sure it was the latter, though. Monday finally came. I went in and again the first thing Kathy asked was if I was okay. And she didn't just mean physically. She's my favorite. She did the ultrasound. There it was. A baby. I was 7 weeks along at this point, and we couldn't see a heartbeat yet. She had me come in again the next week to check for one. I went in again and we saw a very strong heartbeat on a little gummy bear in my tummy. Kathy said that somehow Shane's super swimmers got through the barrier (she very seriously compared it to a goldfish getting through a cement wall). Shane is more than proud of himself now. haha So combine my power eggs with his super swimmers and you can't stop the babies from coming-no matter what.
Even to this day, at every appointment Kathy asks me how I am doing emotionally with all of this. She understands my shock.
I have to admit I have cried. A lot. I am way more emotional this pregnancy than both of my other ones. Maybe because it was so unexpected.
I cried for a lot of reasons. I cried out of self-pity. I cried because I thought our family was complete. I couldn't imagine it with another child. I literally got nauseous every time I walked by the fridge and saw the ultrasound picture. I cried from feeling overwhelmed. I know Heavenly Father won't give us what we can't handle, but I let Him know I thought He was overestimating me. I cried a lot for feeling guilty for not wanting another baby. I felt like the world's worst mother. I didn't (and don't) think I can handle two kids, let alone 3 kids 3 and under.
Everyone asked me and Shane if we were excited. Sadly, not at first. The shock took me a long time to overcome and come to terms with having another baby. Everything that I had said goodbye to: nursing, late night feedings, no sleep at all.... came back to me full force. I tried to remember the good things about having a baby. But every time I pictured a cute little baby face, I saw it crying or spitting up.
I felt horribly guilty about being insanely fertile. I know SO. MANY. women who would give anything to have this problem rather than the opposite. I feel horrible, but there's not much I can do about it. Doesn't change the fact that I feel unworthy.
Anyway, somewhere in the last 3 months that I have known about my pregnancy, something changed. And not just my figure. :) I have prayed endlessly for peace and guidance to have the strength to handle this (as well as my two toddlers at home). Shane started getting excited before me. He was adorable. From the minute I "popped" he was asking how long until he could feel the baby kick. He's such an amazing dad. I don't know when it changed, but I am excited now. (Not over the top like with Kaden, but not in denial now.) I am still insanely nervous and feeling less than capable, but babies are good things. Even when you don't expect them.
Kathy calls this a miracle baby. I have to agree. I have no doubt that this baby was meant for our family. If we can ever figure out what gender it is, I will be able to really get excited one way or the other. :)
If you read this all the way through, you're my favorite.
February 2nd-ish: I realized I was late. I'm never late. Like down to the minute on time. I didn't start freaking out yet because I was confident in the surgery I had and figured I was just extra stressed from recently having another baby with my 15 month old son still a baby in my eyes. So I put it out of my mind...or at least, in the back. :)
February 8th: realize I'm REALLY late. I know I need to take a test. The doctor who did the surgery (not my usual midwife I have seen for my last two pregnancies) had warned me that there is a slight risk of an ectopic pregnancy IF I did get pregnant. She said that if that ever happened I would need to come in right away and get tested for that so that I wouldn't be in danger if it was an ectopic pregnancy. I knew I needed to take a test soon before anything bad could happen to me.
February 9th at about 6:00 am: Took the test. It was positive (obviously). Shane wasn't surprised. He said, "Well, you ARE glowing."
I smacked him. (semi-gently)
I was kind of surprised. I knew something wasn't right, but I was hoping for something besides a pregnancy. I waited until my doctor's office opened, then called and spoke with a nurse. The conversation went like this:
Me: Um, I had a positive pregnancy test this morning.
Nurse (happy): Ok, well what was the first day of your last period?
Me: I have no idea whatsoever.
Nurse (confused): You didn't keep track?
Me: Well, no, I didn't think I needed to. See, I had Essure done almost a year ago.
Nurse (very serious now): How soon can you come in?
Yup-they made a special appointment for me. That scared me knowing just how serious this must be. I got the kids dressed and took them to my sister's house (who was more than willing to babysit when I explained the situation...haha). An hour after I called I was at the office. My midwife, Kathy, came in the room and looked about as shocked as I felt. I told her it's okay if it's ectopic and I was expecting that. She explained that those are very serious and I would need surgery a.s.a.p. to remove the tube. I told her I would rather lose a tube than gain another baby (harsh, but true). She understood. I love that woman. She said that we would do an ultrasound and when we don't see anything in my uterus, then we will be pretty sure it's ectopic. I prepared myself mentally to hear all the details of surgery. That's when I heard Kathy say, "Um. Loretta? I see something here."
Crap.
We both looked at the ultrasound machine. She saw a sac. Not the yolk sac, though, which is what feeds the baby for the first little while. She said that sometimes the whatever sac makes it to the uterus, but the egg is stuck in the tubes-still requiring surgery. This was my ray of hope. She zoomed in as far as possible and said that she thought she saw a little somethin' somethin' in the sac (meaning she saw the yolk sac), but that I really wasn't far enough along to see the yolk sac anyway, even in a normal pregnancy. Great. A big, fat maybe. Then she said that she was leaving for Maui on Saturday and would be gone for 8 days. She was freaking out, though. She didn't want to leave me not knowing (especially if I needed surgery...I would need it sooner than she would get back). So, she had me go get my blood taken. They were going to measure my HCG levels. I would need to go back on Thursday (48 hours later) to get my blood taken again to see if the levels had risen or stayed the same (or fallen). She said if they doubled, most likely that meant a healthy, growing baby. If not, then I would need to see another doctor while she was away to schedule the tube removal surgery. She told me that she would make absolutely sure to call me herself before she left for Maui with the results.
That was the longest 48 hours of my entire life. I went back on Thursday and they took my blood again. I explained my situation to the nurse/whatever-they-are-called who stuck the needle in my arm. Upon hearing the word "Essure," she told me that the test results would be in first thing tomorrow morning and to call the minute they opened at 8:00 (or 9:00? I can't remember).
Another excruciatingly long 24 hours. I think I knew, somewhere deep inside (probably right around my middle) that this was a healthy baby. I was in serious denial. I actually started feeling nauseous the day after my appointment, but I was sure it was a mind thing.
Well, Friday morning finally came. I called the lab. The lady (different from the day before) told me the number that my HCG level was at. It meant nothing to me since I didn't know where I had started. I asked her if that meant that my levels had doubled. She laughed and said, "Oh, honey, they tripled!" Then gave me the starting number. She told me "congratulations" all happy and then hung up.
The word "shock" doesn't even cover it.
Kathy (midwife) called me later in the day to see if I had gotten a call yet from the lab about my levels. I told her I knew the levels had gone up....a lot. She asked me over and over if I was okay and that it's okay to cry. Again, I seriously love that woman. She said that she wanted to see my the minute she got back from paradise. She told me what time her flight got in on Monday morning (the 22nd) and said that she would head straight from the airport to the clinic and she wanted me to meet her there to do another ultrasound.
The next week I felt sick every. single. day. I didn't know if morning sickness had set in early or if it was all in my head. I was pretty sure it was the latter, though. Monday finally came. I went in and again the first thing Kathy asked was if I was okay. And she didn't just mean physically. She's my favorite. She did the ultrasound. There it was. A baby. I was 7 weeks along at this point, and we couldn't see a heartbeat yet. She had me come in again the next week to check for one. I went in again and we saw a very strong heartbeat on a little gummy bear in my tummy. Kathy said that somehow Shane's super swimmers got through the barrier (she very seriously compared it to a goldfish getting through a cement wall). Shane is more than proud of himself now. haha So combine my power eggs with his super swimmers and you can't stop the babies from coming-no matter what.
Even to this day, at every appointment Kathy asks me how I am doing emotionally with all of this. She understands my shock.
I have to admit I have cried. A lot. I am way more emotional this pregnancy than both of my other ones. Maybe because it was so unexpected.
I cried for a lot of reasons. I cried out of self-pity. I cried because I thought our family was complete. I couldn't imagine it with another child. I literally got nauseous every time I walked by the fridge and saw the ultrasound picture. I cried from feeling overwhelmed. I know Heavenly Father won't give us what we can't handle, but I let Him know I thought He was overestimating me. I cried a lot for feeling guilty for not wanting another baby. I felt like the world's worst mother. I didn't (and don't) think I can handle two kids, let alone 3 kids 3 and under.
Everyone asked me and Shane if we were excited. Sadly, not at first. The shock took me a long time to overcome and come to terms with having another baby. Everything that I had said goodbye to: nursing, late night feedings, no sleep at all.... came back to me full force. I tried to remember the good things about having a baby. But every time I pictured a cute little baby face, I saw it crying or spitting up.
I felt horribly guilty about being insanely fertile. I know SO. MANY. women who would give anything to have this problem rather than the opposite. I feel horrible, but there's not much I can do about it. Doesn't change the fact that I feel unworthy.
Anyway, somewhere in the last 3 months that I have known about my pregnancy, something changed. And not just my figure. :) I have prayed endlessly for peace and guidance to have the strength to handle this (as well as my two toddlers at home). Shane started getting excited before me. He was adorable. From the minute I "popped" he was asking how long until he could feel the baby kick. He's such an amazing dad. I don't know when it changed, but I am excited now. (Not over the top like with Kaden, but not in denial now.) I am still insanely nervous and feeling less than capable, but babies are good things. Even when you don't expect them.
Kathy calls this a miracle baby. I have to agree. I have no doubt that this baby was meant for our family. If we can ever figure out what gender it is, I will be able to really get excited one way or the other. :)
If you read this all the way through, you're my favorite.
9 comments:
I'm your favorite? Really?? You'll be an awesome mommy of 3. I'm excited you're excited.
Yay, you're excited! You can do this. I admit I would be very overwhelmed to be a mother of three under the age of three too. I'm glad you know this baby is suppose to be yours and that everything is going well. I'm still so excited to find out whether it is a boy or girl.
PS: I have a lot of blog catching up to do but the kids will go crazy if I'm on the computer any longer. I will have to see your older post another day.
I am glad that you feel good about this. I am sure it will be a struggle but wonderful as well!
of course I read the whole thing! Can't stop half way through with that:) You will be fine - I've told before and I tell you again. You have two adorable wonderful children and the third will be no less. Remember you won't have to split your love, you'll just be blessed with a greater compacity to love them all more than you ever imagined. You're a sweetie! Have hope along with your great faith....and hang in there.
I love you girlie!! I know it's been quite a shock for you ~ and I think that's why we get 9 months to get prepared for what's ahead! Hang in there, and I know it will be pretty crazy at first, but as soon as that little one looks up at you for the first time - you will know they were meant for your family. Let me know if you need anything at all!
YOU CAN DO IT. I think that maybe your kids were meant to be triplets but Heavenly father knew that was too hard so he gave you a little bit of a break. :) Once they are a little older they will play so well together you won't even know they are there. Yeah that's a stretch, I know.
holy crap! thats crazy! I love Kathy too I work at Mindful women and they are amazing upstairs! Wow what a story!!! congrats!
Dont forget to mention that I knew you were pregnant before you even told anybody!! Just like last time!
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